Current Reflections

This continues to be an very emotionally difficult thing for me.  I cannot seem to keep the tears from welling up every hour over this situation. 

They said 8 times yes (5 before we came and 3 while we were here). But they also said 3 times no.  Unfortunately it is all about the girls desires. Since they are so conflicted and say no (which was their last word to the director the next morning...both Katya and Karina now have written both yes and no), the director nor the inspector will support the continuation of the process. This isn't because they are favoring grandmother, but because of the girls hesitation. If the girls consistently said yes - then they would willingly proceed with the process and grandma couldn't stop it.  This is their desire as well, but they cannot in clear conscience go against what the girls say they want.

This is what makes it so hard on me I think. The personal rejection I feel of being toyed with (yes and no, yes and no). They stole my heart and then seemingly trampled it without a thought. This is what breaks my heart so much, all that we sacrificed for them - to be met by rejection in the end. Hard to swallow.  But not unlike the rejection felt by somehow I should be thankful and joyful for the experience of sharing in His sorrow and laying down His life for those that despised and rejected Him.

I am trying so hard to allow my knowledge of God to overshadow my painful experience, but emotions are stronger than the will right now, the battle is exhausting me. It feels like a bad dream that I wish I could wake up from, but cannot. Only time and comfort from God (and through His people) will help me...and I will wait on His restoration. Perhaps this is the only reason Im here - to learn this lesson, as only this experience could teach it.  

I will be OK, by Gods grace I will continue to stand...and it must be, for I have no strength left.  For the sake of my children at home, I need God's strength.  I cannot wait to shower them with love and attention and devotion.  I have a new appreciation for each one of them and hope to do so much better by them than I have.  I know where I need to make adjustments, and maybe this trip has been what God used to wake me up to those and develop in me the character to make it happen, for their benefit and His.

Anna, Gracie, Jeffrey, Levi, Price, Joel, and Caleb -  I love you more than words can describe.  You are precious to me.  I hope through this you see the lengths that I would go to pursue you.  You are a treasure to my heart and I am so glad you are my children.  I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and eat dinner with you, and sing with you, and pray with you and laugh with you.  Time is passing so slowly right now for me, but soon - very soon we will be together again.  Hang in there, even in the disappointment, don't despair - your God and mine is faithfully watching and leading us by the hand.  See you tomorrow!  We will be home at 6:04PM on Friday.

Portions of Psalm 71

 1 O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
      don’t let me be disgraced.

 2 Save me and rescue me,
      for you do what is right.
   Turn your ear to listen to me,
      and set me free.
3 Be my rock of safety
      where I can always hide.
   Give the order to save me,
      for you are my rock and my fortress.
 5 O Lord, you alone are my hope.
      I’ve trusted you, O Lord, from childhood.
  don’t set me aside.
      Don’t abandon me when my strength is failing.
 10 For my enemies are whispering against me.
      They are plotting together to kill me.
 11 They say, “God has abandoned him.
      Let’s go and get him,
      for no one will help him now.”
 12 O God, don’t stay away.
      My God, please hurry to help me.

 14  I will keep on hoping for your help;
      I will praise you more and more.
 15 I will tell everyone about your righteousness.
      All day long I will proclaim your saving power,
      though I am not skilled with words.[a]
 16 I will praise your mighty deeds, O Sovereign Lord.
      I will tell everyone that you alone are just.
 17 O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood,
      and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do.

 20 You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
      but you will restore me to life again

      and lift me up from the depths of the earth.
 21 You will restore me to even greater honor
      and comfort me once again.
 22 Then I will praise you with music on the harp,
      because you are faithful to your promises, O my God.
   I will sing praises to you with a lyre,
      O Holy One of Israel.
 23 I will shout for joy and sing your praises,
      for you have ransomed me.
 24 I will tell about your righteous deeds
      all day long


  1. We may not understand why things happen but we can hold tightly onto that God is Sovereign. He had a purpose and you may not even see the outcome. God used you this time to present them with love and affection. God used you both to be in the life of these two adorable girls. May Gods Word that you gave them give them hope that they will come to know HIM. Praise God that you are able to go through this situation no matter how difficult it may be. At the end of alls things....God has purposed and He is Sovereign! I'm praying that the Lord will comfort the both of you during this time. That he will hold you both in His loving arms and sustain you!

  2. My heart is breaking for you right now. I know you are in immense pain but you have such a Godly perspective in the midst of it all.
    I wish those little girls were old enough and mature enough to grasp the magnitude of their own choices! I am asking the Lord to restore your joy and hold you in His loving arms all the way home! Your attitude and perspective throughout this journey have made His name great among those who read your blog. That's truly why we're here and so, with that in mind, you have accomplished a great mission. Not the one you set out on but something that makes a mark for Jesus nonetheless.
    For His Fame,

  3. Oh Jeff and Amy,
    I am so, so sorry. This is just not how I saw things going. These hard things, these painful things are sometimes so hard to grasp and make sense of on this side of heaven. I am ashamed to admit that I am not the best at "grasping" through tears. But, I will have to say that, your perspective is the most sincere and Godly one a man can assume in the quest to understand God's hand in it all. I have immense respect for you as a result.

    I pray that when you come home, that God blesses you with all the healing, peace and encouragement you need. I can't wait to see the both of you.

  4. Hi Jeff and Amy -
    I am relatively new to your blog, having been given it from a friend. I just want to say that my heart is breaking for you and the girls right now. You are all in my prayers. We are in the middle of some issues with our "older child" adoption situation and your words have given me great encouragement and hope. Everything you wrote here I feel, or have felt over the last few weeks. Thank you for your raw honesty and for sharing your amazing faith in Christ.

    I will be praying for your journey home and the healing process that must take place.
    Love in Christ, Kim



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