Letting Go...again and again

One of the most difficult parts of deciding to adopt, especially when you have particular children in mind, is the struggle to come to terms with the fact that it may not ever happen.  You feel led in your heart, this is what we need to do, these are the ones, but it's far from a done deal and you must daily surrender to the Lord.  I've had to do that so many times already and it's only been a few weeks since I found out that the girls even exist!

I had to let them go when Jeff was not willing to go forward with it.  I had to let them go  when their picture was taken down from the hosting ministry page and I was told that a family was in the process of adopting them.  What a relief to find out that the family was ours!  But the struggle to give up the dream was extremely painful and I wrestled with God over why would I have such a love for these girls already and then not have them as a part of our family?  I spent an entire day in anguish, waiting to hear back from the adoption agency as to whether or not we were the family that was the reason that their picture was removed.  Part of me just knew it had to be us, but I couldn't let my hopes rise just to have them dashed, in case I was wrong.  I went to bed that night resolved that if I truly loved these girls (and I do!), that I would want what's best for them, even if we were not to adopt them.  I would give financially to the family who would have them and wish them the best and continue to have the girls' picture on our refrigerator and I would pray for them every time I looked at their picture and ask God to protect them and show His love to them.

On the other side of letting them go this last time, my heart became all the more sure that they were to be a part of our family.  I found out that another family was told to seek out other children to adopt because the girls were spoken for...by us!  The fact that another family was discouraged to pursue them and that the agency has sort of anointed us as the family for the girls was astounding to say the least!  Now, we have to wait and jump through many hoops and overcome many obstacles and persevere to be able to bring them home.  We will most likely have to let them go many more times.  My children have asked the question, "Why would God get us started just to one day say, 'No'?"    I have explained to them that He has His reasons. Perhaps to test us just like He did with Abraham when he was asked to sacrifice Isaac.  Perhaps to test the motives of our hearts in even wanting to adopt (I have felt this already!)  Perhaps to find out if we'll obey Him in whatever He asks, no matter if the outcome is radically different that what we expect.  Whatever the reason, the only thing we know to do is obey what we believe that we are hearing from the Lord and take the next step of faith toward the goal of bringing them home.  It will be an exciting journey and one that will stretch us greatly.  And to think that adoption is only the beginning!  Then we have to raise them!  It's almost more than I can take in.  But take it in, we shall, one day at a time....


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